How To Be A Fly Asian

My family and I were having dinner at T.G.I. Friday’s last weekend, and I was astounded to see how American children behave these days. Utter disrespect for their parents, on their cell phones texting all evening long, no “pleases” or “thank-yous.”

That never would have happened if they followed Confucius’ teachings. Instead, they emotionally coddle their children, and give each other shrugs and looks that say, “Oh, jeepers. I just don’t know what we’re going to do with him!” as steals cigarettes from his mother’s purse, and gets his girlfriend pregnant.

I’ll tell you what Confucius would have done. Slapped ‘em around a couple times, and left him outside in the cold for a couple of hours.

Confucius say, “Children are on their best behavior once they’ve starved for a sufficient period of time.”

Take my little Tommy here. The picture-perfect model of the son I wanted to create - I mean, raise. He gives me the respect I deserve, and why shouldn’t he? I feed him, provide him with clothes, shelter, and remind him on a daily basis if he doesn’t score at least a 2250 on his SAT’s, he’ll end up in state school and will have forever shamed the family name. And how the hell is he going to fulfill his duty as the eldest son by providing for me and my wife when we’re too old to provide for ourselves if he goes to a state school?

You read all these stories about rising rates of divorce - over 50 percent! These American couples, it’s unbelievable. Don’t they realize they should stay together for the kids, even if it’ll make your lives and the lives of everyone who darkens your doorway a living hell? If you can’t talk civilly to your spouse, just don’t talk to them. Ever again.

All I’m saying is, we should practice the principles we teach our children - as long as they’re Confucian principles. And if you wake up one day, and are startled to find your wife resembling a fat, unattractive cow, just sleep in separate beds. Eventually, you’ll find a mistress, but until then, masturbate.

Remember, you’re doing it for the kids.

So what if I never attended a soccer game, can’t remember anyone’s birthday, or have never shown any of my children one ounce of affection? Far more important is the dozens of ounces of respect I show them by acknowledging their existence in the morning with a grunt. Which I suppose can be construed as “love.”

It’s the same reason why I remind Calvin, Tommy’s little brother, that he’ll always live in the shadow of his brother, no matter how hard he works to please us. I’m doing it toughen him up. I’m sure he’ll understand in a few years, and won’t resent my callous attitude for the rest of his life.

Confucianism is really about the betterment of the soul, and improving the bonds between each member of the family. Its principles have shaped all my children into the respectful, obedient people it takes to be a successful, employed middle-manager in this world. It might even be enough to provide a future for that daughter I sometimes see running around the house. Susie, or Susan, or something like that.

She’s going to make a great wife for whoever provides the best dowry someday.

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