How To Be A Fly Asian

Asians in Tighty-Whities

Fads just don’t last. “Trendie today, trashie tomorrow,” that’s what my mother always said, and gee-willikers, was she right. Sad as it is, not every fad will have the sustainability of something like Digimon, or UFO pants. But one fad I can’t wait to see go? Boxers and boxer-briefs.

I say, the sooner everyone goes back to wearing regular, old-fashion, American-constructed underwear, the better. I say, that day can’t get here soon enough.

You know why they call them “tighty-whities?” Because they’re “tight.” And if you’re not hip to the lingo like I am - “tight” is synonomous to “awesome.” Not like discovering-how-to-Wave-Dash-in-Melee-awesome, either, but a 127-combo-with-Ryu-in-MVC2-awesome.

You don’t think I know its goofy to be the only guy walking around the locker room wearing my baby-bottom-soft, broken-in Fruit of the Loom cotton riding up my crack? You think I don’t see how gray my underwear looks, or how big the whole on my left ass cheek is? You think I like it when Pat Carrigan sneers at me and tells me I’m a “homo ricer?” Because I don’t - but the sacrifice is worth it. There’s truly nothing like the familiar snap of elastic against my bony hips, the sheer-fabric pulled tightly against my flat, unshapened ass. The way my underwear holds my balls in place while I’m scoring triple-A’s on the DDR machine.

So you might feel cool now in your boxers, with your easy strides across the locker room as the gentle breeze snuggles up against your balls. Or you probably think women are always going to be attracted to the way your sinewy quadriceps peek out just below fabric as your rippling abs bulge precariously over the top of the shorts like small, hand-carved bricks. But it won’t last.

How does it get any better than a pair of Hanes Classics? I really want to know. Jeez, they’re endorsed by Michael Jordan, quite possibly the greatest basketball player ever (after Yao Ming, of course.) Kevin Bacon also loves himself some Hanes. They got a new celebrity-sponsor, too: Charlie Sheen. Who’s famous, of course, for being the son of Martin Sheen.

A medicore actor who's achievements include: 1. Sponsoring Hanes, and 2. Springing from the loins of an amazing actor.

That’s right, Hanes Classics, baby. Mother says classics never go out of style, and boy, do I concur!
But hey, what do I know, right? I only scored a 2360 on the SAT’s. Maybe I’m wrong, and Hanes only included the word “classic” as a branding tool to create a sense of nostaligia in its customers.

But if proudly showing off my package in my tighty-whities is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

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