Five Asian Men Who Ruined My Childhood

There are people for every ethnicity whom the newest generation can look up to as examples of how they’d like to lead their lives. People who inspire you to be proud of who you are, and to be proud of your heritage. They are the forerunners of your people. They are shining examples, who you can point to and say - “Now there’s a fine, upstanding -white/Latino/black/Native American/Inuit/(fill in the blank)- man.”

That is, of course, unless you were an Asian American growing up in the 90’s. In that case, you’re paddle-less, and so far up Shit’s Creek you might as well slit your wrists and get it over with.

My list of Asian and Asian American men who ruined my childhood:

1. Michael Chang

Thank you, Michael Chang. Because of you, hundreds of little Asian boys who wanted to do nothing on Saturday mornings but watch some TMNT, Doug, or Rugrats (before the shitty live-action series, before it moved to ABC, and before the series became a PSA for ethnic diversity, respectively) were forced to attend tennis lessons. This was fine for those who possessed a shred of athletic ability, but a nightmare for everyone else, who could only scream in the car about how “I don’t want to fucking be Michael Chang, goddammit! I want to watch cartoons!” The parents, too busy day dreaming about Wimbledon, the French Open, and bragging about their great tennis-playing son, ignored the screams. Instead, they dropped you off at the local courts and told you to have fun.

On the court, the better players tore you a new asshole, all the while taunting: “Why you even here?” they’d sneer. “Who do you think you are, the next Michael Chang?” Your only response was a scream inside your head, “No! I’m not! I’m not the next Michael Chang! I want to watch some motherfucking cartoons!”

It’s not your fault, Michael, for being a talented. It’s not your fault Asian parents are insane. It is your fault, however, for losing to Sampras three times, then disappearing from the tennis circuit forever. You are the Buffalo Bills of tennis, for Christ’s sake - it’s like they took all those losers from the Bill’s franchise, stuck them into the body of one Chinese- American man, and named ‘em Michael freaking Chang.

You’ve cut me deep, Michael. And watching you rub Tiger Balm all over your knobby, injury prone knees burns like… like… well, Tiger Balm.

2. William Hung

Dub-Ya Hung, you’re probably swimming knee deep in vag and money right now, thanks to your platinum record, public appearances, and passive cash flow from your deal with the devil. Meanwhile, you’ve left much of America with the impression all Asian and Asian Americans are ugly human beings who’ll sing karaoke for their five fucking minutes of fame. Sure, I’m talking mostly about the Bible Belt, but they’re people too. Thanks for setting us back a decade.

By the way, you’re a fucking joke.

3. Chris Tucker

Chris Tucker, you’re not Asian, but you’ve proceeded to butcher every Asian joke in existence anyway. This might actually be something of an accomplishment, if you weren’t a toolbag.

I just have one question: why aren’t you funny? Never mind, just stop delivering those jokes with your stupid, flat punch lines. And wipe that that big ‘ole, ear to ear grin from your face - it’s asking for a punch to the jaw.

Jackie Chan, the real star of the Rush Hour series, had this to say about the movies:

“When we finished filming, I felt very disappointed because it was a movie I didn’t appreciate and I did not like the action scenes involved. I felt the style of action was too Americanized and I didn’t understand the American humor.”

I bet Jackie Chan talks shit about Chris Tucker in Cantonese every chance he gets:

Tucker: (talking to some random ho’s) You see here, ladies, what I did with this joke was took the name, “Yu,” which is a Chinese last name, but sounds quite similar to the 2nd person pronoun and…

Random Ho’s: Oh, Chris Tucker, you’re so funny!

Chan: Diew lay pok gai, motherfucker!

4. Gedde Watanbe

Yes, Gedde Watanabe, I hate you, but not for the reasons you probably think. I don’t hate you for taking the role as “Long Duk Dong” in Sixteen Candles. I understand that back in the 80’s, it wasn’t easy to find acting work as an Asian American male, and you take what you can get to make it on the screen. I mean, jeez, how many actresses get their start by showing off some nipple? Artists have to eat, and it’s part of the biz. I get it.

What I hate is the way Asian American-critics have manhandled this role, using it over and over and over again as an example of the emasculation of Asian American males by American media. I’ve never even seen Sixteen Candles, which everyone assures me is a classic, but the movie is forever tainted for me.

“It’s a ‘coming of age’ film, a great romantic comedy,” my friends tell me. I will never get to watch it, Watanabe. I’ll never understand the significance of Cusack lofting that boom box like a trophy. And maybe I don’t know what a “coming of age’ film is exactly, but dammit Watanabe, I fucking love romantic comedies.

Yes, it’d be more accurate for me to hate the critics who used this role like a wet rag after jerking off to the indignation to Asian Americans everywhere. But it’s so much easier to just single you out instead.

5. Lo Pan

I grew up with very few Asian role models. This includes grandfather figures - both mine passed away before I was born. So while the white kids got gentle, grizzled men who taught them chess, sat in rocking chairs, and smelled bad, I got Lo Pan.

In his opening scene, Lo Pan stumbles into the camera shot, then starts blasting Kurt Russel with beams of light from his eyes. Later, he proceeds to float through walls, fire lasers from his hands, and sacrifices green-eyed women for eternal life. To top it all off, after going through all the work of starting a war between the underworld and San Francisco’s Chinatown, he goes and gets himself killed with a knife between the eyes. Courtesy of Kurt Russell. With love.

Where’s the moral I’m supposed to derive from this, Lo Pan? What did you want me to learn? What the hell kind of role model are you?

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